New Column! - Ask Jaggy

Written by Jaggy


Dear Jaggy,

I like a girl who's way out of my league, how do I approach her and sweep her off her feet?

- Anon

Anon, I'm glad you're finally appreciating the opposite sex! Before I jump right in I'd like to make sure you understand "Sweep her off her feet" is figurative, not literal. Long story short, apparently showing off my moderate karate skills, 'sweeping the leg,' isn't as hot as I thought it would be.

From my experiences I can tell you what not to do;

- Throw her papers on the ground and then try to lock eyes as you both pick them up.
- Sit next to her bed until she wakes up and tell her you're the man of her dreams.
- Try to impress her in P.E. but forget your inhaler and have a giant asthma attack and have to go to the hospital.
- Drink milk while telling each-other jokes
- 'Bump' into her then just get mad that she didn't watch where she was going.

Try to act confident and mature, the main thing is whatever you're thinking of saying don't say it. "OMG SHE HAS BOOBS," doesn't make a very good first impression.

Girls always like cheesy pick-up lines, get em to smile and you're 'in' (sadly not literally if you're into, well you know, sex).

I personally like "If I looked at fashion magazines, which I don't because it's not really my kind of magazine (I prefer funny magazines like MAD), you'd be on the cover because you are very visually appealing and your clothes look nice and figuratively bring out the color of your eyes."

I apologize if I took this the wrong way and you're a lesbian in a softball league, or trying to kidnap her...


Dear Jaggy,

I've had an innocent relationship long enough! I'd like to start making out with my gf, but I don't know how to... (She's my first gf ? )

- ( . Y . )

Yo, ermm, sir? I... Are... Are you aware your name looks like boobs? I just had to get that of my chest before I continued (pardon the pun).

You've got your first girlfriend! That's a big step in a young person's life, and some older people's... Now comes the hard part, not fucking it up. Easier than it sounds, anything from winking because of something in your eye when she asks if you love her and then telling her it was an eyelash and her not believing you can screw it up. If you need another example apparently asking if her sister is single is a no-no too...

Do you have braces? Those are a pain to make-out in, or so I've heard.

First remove your gum, vampire teeth and stuff of that sort. Check your breath but do it descretely. If it stinks abort and run for cover.

After that you have to like move your mouth to hers and touch them together. Then you've gotta open yours a bit so you can fit your tongue out. After that it's simple, unite your tongues, and introduce eachother.

I like to pretend like they're rock em sock em robots.

Be sure to get your teeth involved!



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Thank's for all the questions and if you need relationship or sexual advice message Jaggy, that would be me!

Guess The Gangster

Written by Jaggy

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